FREAK MAGNET:

I'm not sure how it works exactly, but I tend to go through streaks where the cosmos aligns, and I end up with the good fortune of being plagued by wierdos. For example, on my way through security at the Burbank airport last week, I end up setting off the metal detectors over and over again. Shoeless and beltless, I'm herded over to the security area to be wanded and frisked by Federal employees. There I am with my feet on the yellow footmarks (I assume they somehow protect the homeland) with my arms stretched out to the sides, and some 50 year old bald guy rubbing me with that wierd Scientology device looking thing.

I hear some sort of commotion and look over by the security gate to see what's going on. What I see is an obviously pissed off woman. She's about 5 feet tall, and some undetermined brand of foreigner -Phillipino maybe? She's got huge hair, and is wearing an ass-load of jewelery and a bright gold lame' vest. She looks like some sort of terrier in chain mail.

So, she stalks up to me, and grabs my hand.

"Why you do that!!!" She screams at me. "You get yo' hand outta my face!!!"

She then shoves my hand away from her, slaps at it a few times, and circles around in front of me.

"Uhhh...." Is all I can think to say. I've still got my arms out at my sides, and my pants are falling down 'cause I don't have a belt on, and I'm not wearing shoes, and there's a dude waving an electronic device at me, and now there's a weird little lady standing 6 inches away from me. She stares directly up at me like she wants to fight, puts her arms out at her sides like I'm doing at the time, and yells again "What you think you doing!!?! Why this happen to me!?!! Who you are?!?!? Why you tell me do this?!?!!!! Why you stand like this!?!!! What you doing here!!?!"

At this point, I can't help but start laughing.

"Lady. What? Is everything ok?"

She stares me up and down and says, "Ohhhhhhhh...wait a minute! You not the Checker! You the Checkee!"

At which point the guy with the wand tells her, "Lady, get back in the waiting area and wait your turn."

"Yeah, you be quiet, mistah!" she tells him, and stalks off to the waiting area.
- posted by Aaron @ 9:15 PM