ATTEMPTED MOVIE PITCHES OVER THE PHONE TO VARIOUS STUDIO EXECUTIVES FROM SOMEBODY WHO REALLY WANTS TO GET A MOVIE MADE THAT INCLUDES A SUBPLOT ABOUT A CLONE OF HITLER:

Three Men and A Baby


"Ok, so like, get this...Hitler...wait no...the clone of Hitler...is living with Steve Gutenberg, Ted Danson, and Tom Selleck in a loft in Manhattan...and like, there's this baby ok? Are you with me?

Ok, so like...they've got this baby, right? What? How did they get a baby? I don't know man, fuck! It like, gets left on their doorstep.

What? What do you mean no Hitler clone? Oh, c'mon Harv...that's the movie's HOOK, baby! You can't cut the Hitler clone!

Ok ok, fine. So like Gutenberg, Danson, and Selleck have this baby right..."


Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2


"Jeff! Jeffrey K.! Hey baby, ...listen, do you have a minute? Greeeaaaattt.....look, remember how we were talking at Sundance? No, it was at the Project Greenlight afterparty. No? Well, anyways I've got this idea that's been percolating, and I finally got something down on paper, and guess what...we've got some big time interest. No, seriously HUGE talent attached baby!

Ok ok, so check this. It's a picture for kids...but it's ALSO a send up of the entertainment industry! Seriously...I was talking to Charlie the other day...Charlie Kauffman, and you know what he told me? He got all excited and was like 'Wow, dude...you're on to something there.'

What? No no, he didn't agree to write the script. What? Ok, well, see...there's these babies, right? One of them is a clone of Hitler, and they can...oh man this is gonna kill you...they can fucking talk! Right?! Incredible!

Who's the talent? Oh, um...well we've got Scott Baio signed to do the voice of one of the babies, and Jon Voigt's agreed to play the villain? What do you mean, why do we need Baio? What? No no, the babies can't talk in real life. What? No, they aren't real superbabies. Yes, they used voiceovers in the first one too. What? Yes, I'm sure. Well, yes, I suppose midgets would be cheaper.

Anyways, what do you think?"


Con Air


“Ok, listen...are you ready to have your mind blown? Ok, so like Nicholas Cage is this dangerous convict right?...and he’s being transported in a plane along with Steve Buscemi, the frozen corpse of a clone of Hitler, Danny Trejo, Ving Rhames, and John Malkovich, right?...hello?

- posted by Aaron @ 1:29 PM