A Man of Letters
Friday, July 18, 2003
PLUMBING THE DEPTHS OF MY SCIENCE HOLE:
From deep within the science hole located in my basement, I have managed to produce a device of such invent-aciousness as to boggle and astound the minds of mere mortals.
My Science Hole
Behold the Nostrilator™! Look on my works, Ye Mighty, and despair!
The Nostrilator™
This ingenious device is capable of detecting and identifying the odor of any individual, and in the interests of science I have harnessed its mighty powers in the pursuit of the answer to that age-old question: what do celebrities smell like?
Methodology:
Harnessing the power of the Information Superhighway, and the mighty Nostrilator™, I undertook a systematic examination of the famous and the infamous. After capturing the unique odor signatures of my target subjects, I crunched the numbers using the prodigious might of my Ebcron Von Briggstratten 3000 ™.
Ebcron Von Briggstratten 3000 ™
The statistical analysis was mind-boggling, let me tell you! But, after many sleepless weeks slaving over the z scores of complex statistical algorithms devised by Nazi-era scientists, I was finally able to compile this brief list of celebrities and their unique odor profiles.
Results:
Veal Piccatta
Mainly burnt hair, but also a hint of cinnamon
Lemon Yogurt
Peanuts
Watermelon Jolly Ranchers
Pigeons and Old Spice
Snuggle fabric softener and smoked turkey cold-cuts
Pickle relish and dashboard vinyl
Cocaine and hookers
Diesel fuel and Alberto VO5, also corn dogs
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